“Some say if you can’t beat them, join them. I say if you can’t beat them, beat them because they will be expecting you to join them and you will have the element of surprise.”
“Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.” -
– John F. Kennedy
We serve in the military and pay taxes. What more do they want?
“Hurt until it gives”
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can’t buy you happiness … But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
Joe Namath
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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.Then it’s time for my nap.
Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers
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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere…
Billy Crystal
And now for something completely different - Monty Python
This is one of mine, and its a favorite …
Your woman is so ugly, her vibrator committed suicide.
-K
Think before you act.
On some stickers my dad gave us a long time ago.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift that’s why its called the present - unknown
“pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever”
Lance Armstrong
" rehab is for quitters " 
