Random Jokes

Off-Topic Randomness
1

Post em if you got em!

A PERFECT DAY

For a woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed; freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants…open presents–expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends; unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from “secret admirer”
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk; says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower—alone
10:50 Carried to bed; freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

For a Man
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying poop while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast; steak and eggs, coffee, toast. All cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club; blow job en route
9:45 Play front nine; 2 under par
11:45 Lunch; steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine; 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport; several bourbons
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with nude, all-female crew who all bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234 lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home; massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
6:45 poop, shower, and shave
7:00 Watch news; Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner; lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of breasts
9:30 Sex with three women, all of whom have lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed, alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

2

HAHA thats great

3

A Black man and a Brit are standing on a bridge pissing into the river below them. The Black man says “Man that water sure is cold” and the Brit says “yeah, and it’s deep too”.

4

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

“OK old fart, time for you to retire.”

The old rooster replies, “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.

Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”

The young rooster says, “Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.”

The old rooster says, “I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.

Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”

The young rooster laughs. “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man.

So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”

The old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

“Dammit……third gay rooster I bought this month.”
Moral of this story? ….

Don’t mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

5

A beautiful fairy appeared, one day, to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Immigration Office. “My good man” the fairy said, “I’ve been told to grant you three wishes since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children.”

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.

" The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and -PING!- he had brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.” The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three car garage in, on the water with eight bedrooms for my family. I bring them all over here.”

-PING!- In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ pit, pool, in an upscale neighbourhood overlooking the bay.

“One more wish”, the fairy said waving her wand. “Yes, one more wish, I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes and a baseball cap instead of this turban. I want white skin like the Americans.”

-PING!- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-Shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back, the mansion disappeared from the horizon.

“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where’s my new house!?” The fairy said, "Tough stuff, Mac.

Now you are a white American, if you want something you have to work hard, earn the money and get it yourself!"

6

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming Pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim…!!”

7

When girls don’t put out!!
This was written by a guy … it’s pretty **** smart.

Girls – Please have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’

I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’

She r esponded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me fo r who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop whe n I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual sati sfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.’

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’

I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either…but at least that b!tch knows I’m smarter than her.

8

Out for dinner one Saturday night at their favorite restaurant, an elderly
husband leans over and asks his wife: “Do you remember the first time we had
sex together - over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where
you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you?”

“Yes”, she giggles, “I remember it well.”

“OK,” he says, “How about we take a little stroll there and do it once again,
for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you devil! That’s crazy… Yes! Let’s do it!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth overhears their conversation and
chuckling to himself, thinks: ‘I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex
against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.’ He
follows them.

The old couple walks slowly along, leaning on each other for support. Finally,
they arrive at the back of the tavern and make their way out toward the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, the old man drops his trousers. As she leans
against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most
furious sex the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for almost ten minutes as
both are yelling and moaning loudly. Finally they collapse on the ground,
gasping for air.

The policeman is astonished. He he has witnessed something special about life,
love and old age.

The couple recover as they struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks, ‘That was amazing, I’ve got to ask
them what their secret is.’

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but you two are
incredible. You must have enjoyed a fantastic love life together through the
years. Please tell me, what is your secret?

Still shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t
an electric fence.”

9

Father/daughter talk…

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words, redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, ‘How is your friend Audrey doing?’ She replied, ‘Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.’

Her father asked his daughter, ‘Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.’

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, ‘That’s a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I’ve worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!’

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, ‘Welcome to the Republican party.’

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Republican and Democrat I’m all ears.

10

My flight was being served by an obviously gay
Flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone
In a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came
Swishing down the aisle and told us that “Captain
Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be
Landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely
People, if you could just put your trays up,
That would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this
Well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman
Hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear
Me over those big brute engines but I asked you
To raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can
Pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my
Country, I am called a Princess and I take
Orders from no one,” to which (I swear) the
Flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
“Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a
Queen, so I outrank you…Tray-up, *itch.”

11

I was already laughing right there! :smiley:

12

I just wasn’t sure if I should post it here or on the random political thoughts…lol

13

If I was the cynical type Dan, I might have suspected you were a conniving liberal-phobe surreptitiously proselytizing your EXTREME right wing philosophy in what is supposed to be a humor thread in a horn honking discussion forum.

:wink:

“World’s Most Powerful Compressed Air” INDEED!

:smiley:

14

Excellent analogy…:smiley: